Episode 72: Mormon 5-8

March 22, 2015


Click to Listen: Episode 72: Mormon 5-8

Well, it finally happened. The Nephites are all dead. Total genocide. I’m not sure who to blame either, it seemed to me like the Lamanites slaughtered them all, but Mormon is convinced that it was God that did the killing. Then good ol’ Moroni comes back, but he’s not nearly as fun as we remember him from Episode 1. Actually, he’s pretty racist, and quite a bit judgy.

“Drink” Count – 35

Almost 6 beers


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7 Comments on “Episode 72: Mormon 5-8”

  1. Duke of Earl Grey Says:

    How is it, you say, that Mormon was not killed in the final battle? Well, he says he fell wounded in the midst of his army, and the Lamanites passed him by. He must have looked good and dead to them at a cursory glance. I’m astounded that they only missed 24 not-dead guys among the hundreds of thousands of slain.

    Our good friend Arnold Friberg depicted this scene for us:

    I love how Mormon, even while wounded and still in the middle of a pile of dead bodies is clutching the golden plates, like, “Must… write… last words… before… I…” Meanwhile, Moroni can’t decide whether he’s a Roman legionary or a Wagnerian epic hero, but I think he kind of pulls off that horned and crested helmet look.

    But for a more modern take on Mormon, as in 1970s modern (as opposed to the 1950s sensibilities of Friberg), we look to Tom Lovell for another popular conception of Mormon:

    I say 1970s, not knowing if that’s exactly when this was painted, because we see some apologetic touches. It was around the 1970s when we started getting the “two Cumorahs” theory, that the BoM most plausibly took place in Mesoamerica, as we’re not finding the largest battlefield in ancient history anywhere in upstate New York. So the hill Cumorah of the narrative must be some other hill somewhere, not the hill in Joseph Smith’s neighborhood that he and his converts started referring to as Cumorah, apparently in error. So instead of a ancient Roman look to the clothing and weapons, this Mormon has a Mesoamerican flavor (but you can’t discard the Fribergian headband that identifies a Nephite, you just can’t!) His “sword” is even a wooden club with embedded obsidian blades, because, oops, ancient Native Americans didn’t have iron swords, silly goose.

    Also, this Mormon reminds me of a world-weary Charles Bronson, circa 1974. So there’s that.


    • johanges Says:

      Those “books” (codices) in the background looks mighty anachronistic, as old world version originated around the 1st century AD. (No, they don’t look like Maya codices either.)

      I do understand why Mormon looked so buff. That much gold plates must have been near impossible to lift due to the weight.


    • Duke of Earl Grey Says:

      Here’s the Friberg again…


  2. Dave Says:

    Lol… I like to keep in mind that the Battle of Hastings, a major historical battle which completely altered the future of England, the future of the language we (and the globe) speak (English)… only had approximately 17,000 total fighters.


  3. Bishop Lucy Says:

    Yeah, actually resurrecting your actual body is a thing in Mormonism. For a long time, Mormons were discouraged from cremation because you don’t want to make it too hard for Jesus to find all your parts to put you back together, and well, cremating is a mess that way. Plus what if you are eaten by a shark, then a person eats the shark that ate you? Now part of you is part of them and it is a whole big mess.

    My uncle actually collected a bunch of my grandfather’s toenail clippings right after he died and put them in a little vial. He monitored his resurrection “status” that way. As long as the toenails are still there, Grandpa’s dead. Well, about 10 years ago, no one can find the vial of toenails. So it looks like Grandpa’s been resurrected!


  4. Ephima Morphew Says:

    Mormon trompe l’oeil Dogmatology:
    Again, great read David, couldn’t help but hear a hint of anger in you voice from time to time.
    You now know why Mark Twain found The Mormon Bible an unusually effective cure for insomnia.
    Mark Twain aka Samuel Clemens has since been posthumously baptized successfully and is now in Mormon Heaven (afterlife) with many of his favorite detractors –– they joke a lot about the meaning of life posthumously.
    When David makes it to visit the Celestial, he and Mark can continue to investigate the humor in Mormon irony.


  5. Scott Gines Says:

    A word about paying for forgiveness that you were questioning.

    This is talking more about the idea of paying for indulgences, which is a HUGE no-no in the Mormon religion. Paying tithing is a very important commandment, however, just because you paid your tithing doesn’t mean you get a free pass on any sins. You still have to repent of your sins regardless of money paid to the church.

    On a somewhat related side note, the LDS church is very proud of their usage of unpaid clergy. There is this underlying stigma in the church that every other Christian church that pays their ministry is the church of the devil and these evil preachers are doing it simply to get rich! Unlike the Mormons, where the Bishops work the equivalent of a 2nd job as Bishop for ZERO compensation. Personally, I think it’s absolutely ridiculous to call someone who has no training in theology, counseling, leadership, etc. to be a leader of a ward. They should be paying a dedicated member as a full time job to be Bishop.


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